Driver license nightmare (part 3)

Note from Seth: if you haven’t read part 1 and part 2 of my driver license nightmare, you’ll want to start there.

When I saw the outside of the envelope with a PennDOT return address I thought my nightmare was just about over. Finally, I could be cleared to get a driver license. Then I opened the envelope.

Here is a picture of the letter (edited to prevent super-easy identity theft):

So, PennDOT has stated that I’m not MICHAEL SMITH. Perfect.

Back to the phones I go. First, I call up UDOT and have a conversation with a guy named Chuck. Chuck is actually pretty helpful, unlike the previous unnamed lady I had spoken with. I tell Chuck about the letter, and that it says that I’m not Michael Smith. He chuckles and says, “Yeah, that’s not going to work.”

I then tell him about my dealings with Lucille at PennDOT and her troubles looking up the record, and how this has obviously confused her terribly. Then Chuck says something that leaves me speechless:

“Do you want the guy’s driver license number?”

I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry. I don’t know how to respond. I feel like I could strangle the unnamed UDOT lady who told me she couldn’t give out the number and couldn’t make outbound calls. It wouldn’t even register on my conscience.

When I finally compose myself and prepare to write down the driver license number for the Michael Johnson fellow who is in trouble in Pennsylvania I get another shock to the system — the number Chuck gives to me is the same number on the letter.

I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but here is what I think happened: Sometime before lunch, Lucille managed to find correct guy (Michael Johnson of Pennsylvania) in the system. Now confident in her considerable abilities, she wrote down his license number on my letter, and in the space of two paragraphs forgot the name of the person she had been investigating. She finished the letter, mailed it, and then went to lunch. So I got a letter saying I’m not that MICHAEL SMITH instead of that Michael Johnson.

I thank Chuck for being the one semi-helpful state government representative in apparently the entire nation, and then call PennDOT. I don’t ask for Lucille when Katherine answers (I’ll play the odds that I can’t get another less-helpful person than Lucille). I tell her what happened, explain my theory, and give her the driver license number of the Pennsylvania Michael Johnson. She puts me on hold for a few minutes, and when she returns she explains that she’s just going to send me a new letter herself. I thank her and hang up, consigned to wait for another letter, and possibly another mistake.

A week passes. Manina calls me at work and tells me that we received another letter from PennDOT. She tells me, “You’re not going to believe this, but this one says that you’re not MICAH JOHNSON.”

I take the bait for a few seconds, considering if I should just start forging documents or going without a valid license for the rest of my life. Then I can tell she’s joking and that I can finally get my name cleared and get my license renewed.

All I have to do now is go back the DMV driver license division and go through some routine paperwork. What else could possibly go wrong?