All-time Stupid

I’m not talking just a little stupid here. Not even close to just plain stupid. Nowhere near worst-FHE-activity-ever stupid. Not even major stupid. This was all-time stupid.

Before I begin my tale, let me explain my use of the ‘we’ pronoun. I will use the royal ‘we’ mainly to avoid any additional marital discord. So, even though (for example) it may not have been my idea to purchase a trampoline in the first place, for my marriage’s sake I will write, “We decided to buy a trampoline.” Got it?

So, back to all-time stupid…

Timeline: Weeks ago
We decided to purchase a trampoline. Our kids enjoyed jumping on the trampoline during our trip to Denver to visit the Thunnels. Our next door neighbors purchased one a week earlier — and our kids played at their house instead of their kids being at our place all the time. But, we found trampolines on sale at Wal-Mart, and it was the last one left, so we just had to buy one. It was only 150 bucks, right?

We get it all set up and then we decide that we’d like to bury the trampoline in the ground — great idea, right? It’s safer for the kids, not as big of an eyesore, seems like a fine idea.

Timeline: Friday
So we call around to a few contractors who do this type of thing and get three bids. We choose the lowest priced guy (it’s only digging a hole, right) and schedule for him to come out Tuesday and start digging. This contractor won’t haul away the dirt, so we put a free dirt advertisement out on Craigslist. A seemingly nice lady calls up quickly and swears she’ll take all the dirt, so we tell her to be there on Tuesday and it’s hers.

This project is sailing along smoothly.

Timeline: Saturday
We decide to rent a sod cutter so we can use some of the sod from the soon-to-be-dug hole to fix a couple spots in our yard. Plus, it will be a good way to mark where the trampoline is going. We can also cut out a place for a flower bed in our backyard, and then use some of the dirt from the hole to fill it. Genius!

So we spend all day Saturday cutting sod and preparing everything for the big work on Tuesday. We even decide to put some of the sod scraps in plastic lawn bags, just to make everything look clean and tidy for when they come.

Timeline: Tuesday
Tuesday finally arrives and it doesn’t start well. The contractor shows up at our door at 9AM when he wasn’t supposed to arrive until 1PM. Since the free dirt lady isn’t showing up until then, we’re not going to have anywhere to put the dirt. We try to get a hold of her to tell her to come early, but can’t reach her. We decide it will be best for me to take the day off.

The contractor waits as long as possible before digging. He says he can do some initial work and then move it again once the dirt lady arrives. With only the second scoop, the contractor hit a buried sprinkler pipe. Our chosen spot had a sprinkler line going straight through the middle of it.

It gets worse, much worse. The dirt lady arrives at 1PM and turns out to be more crazy than nice. After promising she would bring two trucks and a big trailer, she shows up with only one truck, no additional help, and a three-year-old holy terror of a kid.

Her truck will only take about 2 cubic yards — we have 20 cubic yards of dirt to get rid of. She decides she can drop off the dirt at her house and make it back for another load. She asks if Manina or I can go with her to help unload (she lives all the way in Provo). We decide that wouldn’t work so well, but then cave in and tell her we’ll watch her kid while she’s away.

While she leaves, the contractor is busy making large piles on our lawn of the remaining 18 cubic yards of dirt. We have him load some dirt into wheelbarrows so we can dump them on our now much-higher-than-we-planned raised flowerbed.

When the crazy dirt lady finally returns, the contractor scoops 2 more yards of dirt into the truck and she leaves, promising to return with the extra truck and trailer to get the rest of the dirt. However, the contractor is nearly done digging the hole and can’t just leave the backhoe for them to use to load it up.

So she never came back, and now we’re stuck with lots of crappy dirt that we can’t use. We managed to get rid of about 4 more cubic yards, but we probably still have 10 to 12 more packed on our lawn.

To make matters worse, the trampoline hole is not well done. There are some pretty big gaps between the trampoline frame and the ground, making it more dangerous than it was while above ground. And, one section has a dangerous precipice of grass and sod, but is hollow underneath — it won’t be long before that collapses and we have another large gap.

Now we’re stuck. We don’t have enough dirt to fill the hole back up, we don’t want to keep throwing money at what was a dumb idea in the first place. All the additional dumb ideas have added up to this project earning all-time stupid status. To obtain the all-time stupid mark, you have to sink some serious funds into the project. Here is a quick summary of what this has cost:

• $160.12 – trampoline + tax
• $43.86 – sod cutter rental fee
• $245.00 – contractor fee
• $22.63 – sprinkler replacement parts
• $1.50 – yard bags

Here are some of the softer costs that contributed significantly to the all-time stupid rating:

• $200.00 – one day off of work for Seth
• $20.00 – babysitting fees for crazy dirt lady’s kid
• $120.00 – Manina’s lost time at work

And, finally, here are the estimate costs that we haven’t incurred yet, but will probably need to before this all-time stupid project is finished.

• $250.00 – dirt removal and dumping
• $600.00 – retaining wall system

So if you do the math, and the estimated costs hold true, we will have dumped a whopping $1663.11 into this project. All-time stupid, indeed!